Not Exactly A Rose Garden
by AnimagOread
Summary: When Harry almost self-destructs, it's up to Snape to bring him back. What follows will reveal a darker side of Hogwarts. HP/SS Slash! Dark themes abound..(NOTE! CHAPTERS 5/6 ADDED 6/9)
1. Default Chapter

Not Exactly a Rose Garden  
  
Author: AnimagOread  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: I don't make any money, am not affiliated with Warner Brothers, and deeply apologize to Ms. Rowling, as her characters are being exploited in my hands. Again, no money. (Although reviews always appreciated!)  
  
Summary: When Snape has to take on an attempted-suicidal Harry, the views they have for each other will change and a darker side of Hogwarts will be revealed. WARNING: Depression, mental illness, sexuality, rape, etc. abound. Nothing too graphic, but this isn't gonna be seen in the 6th book if you know what I mean.  
  
An authors note: Hello all! It's AnimagOread, the chica who brought you such nice fics as "Kings, Lovers, and Fairies" which is also Harry/Snape. However, beware that this fic is a lot darker than the rest, and the way Harry and Snape come to each other is a lot harder than being Puck and Oberon.  
  
Please, if you can't deal with deep depression and drug-use, self- mutilation and homosexuality, rape, pain and mental illness, take time to see if you want to read this. I hope I've done a good job of revealing another humanity side of Harry and other characters.  
  
I'd love any thoughts on this, criticism or not, but please enjoy it. People are like this, and this story has become a lot more personal to me. I hope you enjoy it.  
  
-AO  
  
-  
  
Chapter One: Caught Beneath a Landslide  
  
"Slowly walking down the hall  
  
Faster than a cannonball.  
  
Someday you will find me,  
  
caught beneath a landslide,  
  
In a Champagne Supernova in the sky."  
  
-Oasis, Champagne Supernova  
  
-  
  
1 "I don't want you doing it when I'm not there…"  
  
Pale skin, so pale that his veins shone eerily through the cold layer. His wrist-bones garish and hard as they stuck out. The dingy mirror reflected his visage back at him, he was a fallen angel, glowing ethereally in the dim light of the attic. Even his eyes glowed strangely, the emerald fire.  
  
"So what if Draco isn't here?" he muttered to himself, angry, out loud, staring at the vial he had downed that sat on the haphazard ledge. They had left him, he never came down much anymore, sneaking if his stomach rebelled at him down at midnight, but stealing away in the night to the meeting. He shivered slightly in the tight, worn black T-shirt he had grown accustomed to wearing, his legs shaking slightly in tight, dark pants.  
  
The sun was setting outside the attic window, casting supernova shadows across the attic and slants over the dusty floor. None of the light made it to the corner where he stood, mirror dingy and sink stopped working ages ago. A sharp pain hit against his forehead and another burning sensation flew through his veins and he hunched into himself slightly.  
  
He had grown thinner in the two weeks since leaving school, his shoulder blades shone through the sinewy muscles on his back, his ribs and pelvic bones jutted slightly and his skin grew paler. His hair, however, unlike most, wasn't falling out and appeared as shiny and think as ever. The pain ebbed away from him, and he shuddered.  
  
A wave of sudden anger hit him and he grabbed the vial, throwing it against the wall as it shattered into a million pieces. Trembling with emotion and cold he exhaled slowly before pulling the sleek stone box from the shelf. With clumsy fingers it opened, revealing thick sticks of kohl eyeliner, needles and pins, two sleeping pills and a tiny razor blade. He pulled the kohl out and smudged thick lines of it around the undersides of his eyes and the corners, smearing it slightly with his forefingers. The mirror again showed his haunting visage and he stared into the box before looking on the ground and pulling a shard of glass. It glittered, a glamorous demon in the scant light and he overturned an arm, revealing scars among the blue- moon skin. Barely pressing it against the skin, he ran it across his arm in three swift strokes, three skinny snakes of deep red blood blossoming on his arm. He dropped the glass and fell forward onto the sink.  
  
"Don't do it when I'm not there…" the voice taunted.  
  
"Fuck," he growled and fell to the ground, amidst a quilt of glittering glass, spinning rays of light and slipped blissfully into utter dark.  
  
-  
  
"You've got to be joking."  
  
"I'm afraid not, in fact, this is nothing but absolutely serious."  
  
"But…Albus, you can't mean it."  
  
"I absolutely do. I knew he'd always be safe with them, but he's not safe from himself. They couldn't care less to what happened to him."  
  
"How-how exactly did it happen?"  
  
"He was found in front of the mirror in the house. He was bleeding as well- ,"  
  
"The boy almost bled to death?"  
  
"No, it was an interaction in his system. If Arabella hadn't found him…his protectors didn't feel quite right about what was going on and she went over to check on him. None of them were home."  
  
"Where is he now?"  
  
"Hospital…he hasn't said a word, although he hasn't been awake much."  
  
"But-why me? I mean, it's hardly safest and I don't realize what is so special about me. Send him with blasted Black or Lupin…"  
  
"You're not thinking. Besides, it is safe. With the family out of the picture, Arabella can return to her normal living, besides I'll be right here, Artemisia and Rosmerta are terribly close by, and Lupin has access. But for now, he's with Sirius and it isn't exactly a good time for us to send him there."  
  
"Well, let him live here-,"  
  
"Severus. You're not thinking or choosing not to. If he is indeed in the condition I think he's in, you will be able to help him and understand him better than I can…I need you to do this. If it fails miserably, he can stay here until the school year."  
  
"You'd better know what your doing…I hope your judgement is better than it was when you let him stay with those Muggles."  
  
"Believe me, I'm regretting it now."  
  
-  
  
Severus Snape walked through the halls of the now empty Hogwarts. He could feel the echoes, reverberations, footsteps, swishing of robes, distant memories of only two weeks ago. Only two weeks ago. If he hadn't been so tired, he would've laughed. It had been two years after the Tri-Wizard Tournament, two years since he had been spying more often, two years after Harry Potter had survived Voldemort again and got through his 5th and 6th years.  
  
The stone walls breathed emptiness and Snape felt it as he quickly made his way to the hospital wing. After the Tri-Wizard tournament, many of the Wizarding Families had taken their children out of school and Severus kept a more careful eye on Potter. He cursed himself now for not noticing anything before, but tried to bring the thought away from his mind. Did Weasely and Granger know as well? He wondered, did anyone even think of it?  
  
Madame Pomfrey met him at the entrance, looking drawn and more strained than he had ever seen her. The woman had seen much in her many years, but perhaps seeing an almost dead Savior of the Wizarding World who had almost perished of his own accord had thrown her off guard.  
  
"Professor Snape-,"  
  
"Severus, Poppy," He cut her off quietly, "I told you to call me that in the summers. Can I see him?"  
  
"Of course, Pro-," she corrected herself, voice anxious, "Severus. I know he's been awake for a few hours, I had the substances flushed from his system hours ago. He won't talk, won't eat-," She looked at the ground and handed him a clipboard, "Here."  
  
Severus had never seen her this way, so worried, so unprofessional. Her eyes brimmed with unshed tears, she didn't seem to want to tell him anything, for fear she'd lose composure. He took the clipboard and gave her an uncharacteristic pat on the shoulder.  
  
The clipboard was written in shaky hand but he could read it out and he almost dropped the thing.  
  
"102 pounds?" He asked in a breath, astounded. The woman nodded slowly, and he continued. The drug interactions were there as well, Poppy had found he had taken an Acetaminophen Sleeping pill, a low dose of Draught of Living Death as well as an illegal potion, Champagne Supernova, which was considered a kind of drug in the wizarding world. Severus was surprised the boy wasn't braindead, or worse, killed. Staring at it with scrutiny, he assumed the boy hadn't been trying to kill himself. His blood pressure was dangerously low, accompanying the dangerously low weight. His mind swam and Poppy gave a loud sniffle as she gestured in. Giving her back the clipboard, he braced himself as he entered the bedrest area.  
  
Harry was sitting up in bed, his face more pale than Snape had ever seen it, eyes accented by eyeliner and they were staring listlessly out the window. He looked smaller than ever, his crossed arms bony and blue, looking as if they would snap. Snape approached cautiously and Harry didn't move a muscle.  
  
"Some predicament you've gotten yourself into this time, Potter," he said quietly, before he could stop himself and then immediately felt bad after the words left his lips. However, the boys face was a glacier, his mind somewhere else.  
  
"I suppose you had no idea what you were doing," Snape continued, in a muttered tone. This was more than he had said to the boy in ages, "I am curious to see how you got all that though. As well as to know why…"  
  
Still, the boy made no movement, Snape couldn't even tell if he was breathing. Irritation bit at him like a small insect and he moved closer to the bed. It was odd now, he mused in another part of his brain, that before he could loom before the boy and be as sinister as he wanted. The way Harry was acting now turned that tactic all around.  
  
"Your little escapade has had a bit of an effect on everyone…slightly unsettling, your actions," he bit out, frustrated, "I don't know how I got involved." He tried to give his best glare to the boy but his face fell as-  
  
Harry turned and looked at him, straight into his jet-black eyes, face blank, impassive, eyes deep and looking different than Snape had ever seen them. He blinked and then exhaled slowly, uncrossing his arms.  
  
"Actually, Snape, I knew exactly what I was doing, and why. It's caused the more hidden part of the Wizarding World into a stir, and I wouldn't be surprised if Rita Skeeter burst in at this very moment. Dumbledore is dumbfounded, pardon the onomatopoeia, and however much against my will, and yours, I assume," his voice somewhat cold, but very matter of fact, which Snape found unsettling, "I still will be put into your care. Is that better?"  
  
Snape felt slightly ashamed and more disturbed by the way Potter was saying these things, and for the first time ever, he lowered his eyes before Potter did.  
  
- 


	2. 2 : Worry About You

Not Exactly A Rose Garden  
  
Author: AnimagOread  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: I don't make any money, am not affiliated with Warner Brothers, and deeply apologize to Ms. Rowling, as her characters are being exploited in my hands. Again, no money. (Although reviews always appreciated!)  
  
Summary: When Snape has to take on an attempted-suicidal Harry, the views they have for each other will change and a darker side of Hogwarts will be revealed. WARNING: Depression, mental illness, sexuality, rape, etc. abound. Nothing too graphic, but this isn't gonna be seen in the 6th book if you know what I mean.  
  
Thanks for all the positive response. I know this will be really blurry and confusing but I'm trying to piece together bits and pieces. I know what happens, it's just a matter of getting there. Critique, please.  
  
-  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Worry About You  
  
"Bye Bye Baby,  
  
Don't Be Long,  
  
I'll worry about you, while you're gone…"  
  
-Ivy, Worry About You  
  
  
  
-  
  
Deft hands, slightly arthritic, gripped lethal looking silver clippers. They glinted in the brief shaft of sunlight that came down and slowly moved towards the prey. Slowly they opened, silencing jaws and with a swift clench let loose the rose that it cut through. Beads of rhinestone dewdrops shook from it, gray petals, fluttering as a hand momentarily let go and placed in a basket. Eyes, sharp as a falcon, cheekbones high like Indian Queen's, skin weathered and tough, wrinkles like rivers cast along skin.  
  
The roses were like her hair, Sterling Silver, grown in the gardens forever. Maybe it was them that had caused her hair to grow prematurely beautiful gray-silver, maybe not, but whatever the case, she quickly clipped another one and put the clippers away. Her feet made not a sound, as she moved along the bushes, sparkling with dew, waiting with trembling leaves for the rain that would come soon. She knew it, the sky gray and overbearing as it pressed forward and over the large estate.  
  
Arabella Figg had been around long enough to know this.  
  
Her mother had started the gardens years ago and she knew every inch of them as well as the gardeners, she knew all the names of the roses and some other flowers, she quizzed her nieces and nephews on them. Arabella's eyes stopped on a patch of moonflower and she examined them, picking a few for some herbal remedies.  
  
A pocket watch chime rang in the basket and she raised an eyebrow. They would have to apparate either at the front gates or in the gardens, and she knew the route Severus would take. Her hands, strong and callused, wiped a thin layer of soil and water on her pants and she looked up as tiny drops began to fall. For a rare time in her life, she didn't mind that those she awaited on were late.  
  
The old Auror and Potion's Mistress wasn't shaken, well too badly, from what had happened to Potter. And it was she who had found him. She had seen a lot in her days, experienced it all, and while it was slightly disturbing, she had only gathered the boy up and brought him straight to Albus. Potter only knew her as the batty neighbor who lived next door, which wasn't a problem, as it gave her more of an insight to the regular Harry Potter.  
  
All the wizarding world has different views on the boy, she reminded herself, you might've seen this coming. He is only mortal, and has never had a chance to be a child.  
  
Her reverie was interrupted by a pop that her tuned ears had picked up on at the foreboding gates to the garden. Standing up, she shielded her eyes from the raindrops and saw the familiar dark figure of Severus on the horizon. Harry followed, not even bothering to cower in the rain.  
  
"You're late," she called out to him. As he got closer, she saw he was shooting her a deadly look and she tilted her chin. Harry looked astounded.  
  
"Ah, Harry, nice to see you in better shape," she raised an eyebrow and he looked blankly up to her.  
  
"Well, no sense in standing out in the rain, come on," she gave a whistle and a dark looking greyhound appeared at her side. "By the way Harry, this is Viridis." A finger touched Harry and Snape's shoulder as she gathered the basket and pressed a silver charm on Viridis' collar.  
  
The collar portkeyed them to the large foyer of the manor. Arabella beckoned to Harry, who was looking about the marble and luxury with barely hidden interest. Her feet made not a sound on the cool floor and she led him into a large kitchen, setting the basket down and getting to work.  
  
"I hope my nephew hasn't been bothering you too much, Harry, after your interesting past," she drawled, sounding much like Snape. Harry looked up, rubbing a hand through his hair.  
  
"You're his Aunt?" She smirked, not looking up and pulling the thorny roses out of the basket.  
  
"It's what I've been told…" Severus gave a snort and Harry could see that their eyes were similar, both black, yet the elder fiery and passionate, the younger brooding and deep. Snape swished by his aunt, giving her a peck on the cheek.  
  
"That's more than I've gotten out of him since yesterday…" he murmured and she swatted him away.  
  
"You feel the need for formality now? Take his things upstairs. Where are you planning on putting him?"  
  
"The suite adjoining the master bedroom." Arabella made no movement, except for arranging her roses and Severus glid away.  
  
"Sit down Potter, I'm not going to make you stand there like a statue all day," she rebuked him quietly as he sat at a small, utilitarian looking table, "Would you like some tea?"  
  
"Alright…how are you Snape's aunt? And where are all the cats?" He asked, looking around the large house. This was not what she had been expecting but Arabella dismissed it as she put the kettle on.  
  
"My sister is his mother…This estate is all on his mother's side. I only stay in that box of a house in the summer, when I'm one of your watchers. The cats leave after I do, except for one…" she growled, pulling two moonflowers and setting them by cups.  
  
"Watcher?"  
  
"Right, I'm an Auror, Harry," she explained patiently as Harry's eyes widened, "Hard to believe as it is. That's why I checked on you when I did…I don't care to think about what would've happened if I didn't. I'm not blaming you Harry, I'm going to try and help you as much as possible, you just may have disturbed a few people." Harry shrugged bitterly, and she saw him clam up slightly. Cursing herself silently, she poured the magically sped up tea into mugs and set them on the table as Viridis trotted in, looking curiously to Harry. She nudged his hand and he petted her on the head gently as she observed him with deep green eyes. Arabella plunked down next to him.  
  
"What does his name mean?"  
  
"Emerald," she answered, handing him the tea and a moonflower. He looked quizzical for a moment.  
  
"Right, you were head of Slytherin House…runs in the family I guess. What's with the flower?" She gestured for him to observe and held the flower by its clipped stem, before lowering it into the earthy smelling tea, streaking it with light blue. He bit his lip and repeated, as she sipped.  
  
"It will release some more calming signals into your system. Old gypsy remedy," she said wryly and he gave a shadow of a smile, "which he doesn't believe in." Severus had come into the room and Harry closed off his stream of speech again, staring at the silver roses.  
  
-  
  
Severus watched the day pass along with deep interest feigned as disdain. Arabella was always known as one of the toughest Auror's, Potion's Mistress, and Aunt but she treated Harry like a prince. She showed him all over the manor and gave him delicacies to eat.  
  
It was odd, he thought, the way Harry acted. His motions were hollow, empty, as if he was just floating through everything. It was like nothing had happened, Harry was so matter-of-fact and subdued. Arabella took him out into the gardens to put him to work and told him about the Aurors, not once bringing up what had happened and Snape pondered on the course of action. He knew of course, what Dumbledore referred to about his 'understanding' of Harry better, but while Severus really did care for the boy, he wasn't about to tell him.  
  
Night was about to fall, and he turned away from the window to change for dinner.  
  
-  
  
'You're to come in two days. I attempted to call your fucking phone. You got caught.'  
  
'How did you know?'  
  
'You didn't answer it. Look, I can't give when but if you see Ruby, I gave it to her. Seamus is there anyway.'  
  
'I can't.'  
  
'Neither can I, so you better find some way. I'm not coming to wherever you are, Potter. Look, I really can't say anymore. Maybe someone else'll be paying attention. I'm not that worried, love, more about you.'  
  
'You shouldn't.'  
  
'Yes. Yes I should.'  
  
- 


	3. 3 : Undertow

Not Exactly A Rose Garden: Chapter 3  
  
A/N: Thanks for all the response. I must apologize about my literary terms. ~*smacks herself senseless*~ I know onomatopoeia isn't alliteration, I just was, very tired. I hope this chapter is better, probably not explaining much more, but I hope things will be easier to understand. It's harder to write when you don't have a definitive ending point, and I must tell you now, while there will be resolution, it will not be all happy and tidily wrapped up.  
  
BTW, Seamus is Selene, I just am not sure how to refer to it.  
  
I hope you enjoy, as always, reviews always appreciated and thank you for the great response. -*AO  
  
-  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Undertow  
  
'Standing by yourself  
  
…above the ocean.  
  
Can't fight the undertow,  
  
Not when you're all alone,  
  
Can't fight the undertow,  
  
How long till you let go?'  
  
-Ivy, "Undertow"  
  
-  
  
The house, or as it was formally called, Serpentine Manor, was as large as it was foreboding. Arabella, along with the quietly friendly Viridis, showed Harry all over it, the large baths, library, spare bedrooms, cellar, servant quarters and stables. Still, she didn't risk showing him the adjoining room where he would sleep, next to the master bedroom.  
  
At half past five, a small, female House Elf in noticeably nicer clothes than Harry had ever seen them in, appeared in the stables, where Arabella was explaining her two beautiful Arabian Palomino's.  
  
"Mistress Figg, dinner is being ready," the house elf, in a tidy looking green dress, her nose pinched and tiny but eyes bulbous and round, nodded.  
  
"Thank you, Salla," The house elf bobbed into a curtsey and disappeared.  
  
"I would think you're hungry, Harry...you're skinny as a stick." This was a slight understatement. The woman, while over 70, was lean and sinewy strong. He shrugged as they made their way through the now darker and candlelit halls, house-elves and a rare servant running about. Arabella led him into the large dining room that revealed a large, deep black marble table, well lit by candles, a long forest-green runner stretching the length of it. She sat at the head and gestured for him to sit to the right of her.  
  
"I don't know what Severus could be doing to keep him. Probably something secretive," she sighed but at that moment the doors were opened and Snape slid in, his dark robes unbuttoned, revealing a casual dress shirt and black slacks. While surprised, Harry kept his features cool and adjusted his own leather cuff around his wrist.  
  
"Now, let's say we start." Severus sat to the left of her and magically, soup tureens and large bowls of greens appeared.  
  
"I don't eat meat, the thought to tell you must have slipped my mind," Harry said smoothly, spooning some tomato and cucumber gazpacho.  
  
"So considerate of you-," Snape began to spit but Arabella shushed him.  
  
"Don't worry about it, Harry. May I ask why?"  
  
"I'm a vegan."  
  
"Always good to know…I'll eat and drink dairy products, but I don't touch meat and eggs. It's quite healthy for you, a good choice." She looked pointedly to Severus who rolled his eyes, clapped his hands, and a herbed piece of whitefish appeared in front of him.  
  
"Touché," he murmured as Arabella and Harry ate thoughtfully. The rest of dinner passed by relatively uneventfully, a light, yet hearty meal of a grain and vegetable dish, thick and filling, light pastries with nuts and spinach, while Severus ate his fish. The boy listened with interest to Arabella and the Aurors.  
  
"I'm considered a Watcher- I did it for your parents too. I'm also a Protector. While there are several different areas, like research, tracking, et cetera, the Watchers and Protectors are picked on another level. It's like when one wizard saves another's life, there is always a bond." Severus eyed her casually and Harry pushed away his plate. Alabaster eyes flickering, they never left his face, which had now become as impassive as slate.  
  
"Excuse me, may I be excused for a walk after dinner? Just out in the gardens…" Harry asked quietly, smoothly as he looked politely to Arabella, ignoring Severus' scrutinizing glare. Arabella waved him away and he slowly left the room.  
  
"What are you doing?" Severus hissed. While they were related, and very alike in many ways, this, he did not see eye to eye upon.  
  
"I'm letting him roam the grounds. He can't leave, Severus."  
  
"You don't know that…he almost died…" there was vehemence, passion, insistence in his voice.  
  
"I did see him prone on the ground, dear nephew," she warned, "you've got to trust him a little."  
  
"Trust? Look what happened to him! He can't be alone like that-,"  
  
"Watch yourself, Severus. You aren't thinking," she countered, "It's becoming a trait. Do you remember so little? You think Dumbledore didn't know what he was doing? You know where Harry's been, Sev. You know…" she had stood, stroking his cheek with a finger. He stayed still but his face softened. "Let him go, see what happens. I'm going upstairs to my study, goodnight love." A pat on the shoulder, a whisper of cloth and the older woman was gone.  
  
-  
  
Harry prowled the halls, eyes burning from using the Oculus potion for too long. It didn't matter, not really. He'd be at the Razor soon anyway, he'd have the journal, maybe he wouldn't even have to steal away. There was no logic to his thoughts, everything blurs and emptiness and slurring of words, phrases, feelings. Blood flew through his veins, all the cuts on his body, even his lungs burned as he made his way to where he had hid his bag, in a corner of the large library. Black, like everything else, and rugged, he pulled the journal out again, the second time.  
  
"Neverland," he whispered, tapping his wrist to the front cover. It opened, revealing pages of writing, but nothing new had appeared since his and Draco's conversation.  
  
"Damn…" his bitter curse echoed angrily throughout the shelves of musty books, his fingers, trembling, flew to the back cover and pressed the emerald that sat in it. In a flash, he was gone.  
  
-  
  
You couldn't find the Razor Diamond easily. It hid in the shadows of Diagon Alley, it's bright red sign that glared, "Razor Jewel", through the small windows, always dark and murky. It was raining that night, Harry appeared at the back entrance, drops falling onto him as he tucked the journal away and stepped inside. David Bowie crooned from the sometimes-decrepit jukebox and Harry knew Seamus was there.  
  
A brightly colored head popped around, the proprietor, an actual woman with cobalt blue hair. Her eyes were all Nefertiti and Cleopatra, and if Harry had like that sort of thing, he would have fallen in love with her. Behind her came a taller, feathers and snow dress, heels like the hope diamond, legs like a goddess of synthetic and nylon and smoke, eyes smoky and skin dark like twilight.  
  
"'Lo Harry," the blue haired pixie said in her husky voice, sitting on the bar. "I don't think you're supposed to be here."  
  
"Darling, everyone is supposed to be her," the angel of hope diamond heels said in a voice of grit and gravel as she pulled Harry to the bar.  
  
"Ruby," he winked to the blue haired one, "Ez," he blew a kiss to the angel. "Where's Seamus?"  
  
"You know it's Selene, Harry…" A dress of deepest green, shining, impossibly real red hair, eyes brought out by streaks of green eyeshadow, heels stiletto and black. He sat at the other end of the bar and sauntered over, slinky dress bouncing, floating on heels. Harry smiled tiredly and gave him a quick kiss on the lips.  
  
"Can I get a smoke, Rube?" Harry asked, as David Bowie changed to the Supremes and Ruby brought him out a beer, dark and cold, a pack of cigarettes next. "I haven't had one in ages…" Selene's hand, acrylic, glossy came over Harry's scarred one.  
  
"Alright love?" The eyes were always the same, more tired than they were during the school year, but full of life, concern, joy and love. "We knew something was wrong…"  
  
"Fuck, no." He took a long drag, his body falling into itself, as Ruby wiped the bar down, Esmerelda listened sympathetically. "I haven't had anything in ages…I'm not at the house anymore."  
  
"Christ…what happened?" Harry slipped a couple of cigarettes into his pocket, Ruby giving him a tired smile with her lips like bruises.  
  
"It was like he said…."  
  
"You should've listened, Harry," he warned him, in the voice that had been light and feminine, still carried the coating, but sounded worried, anxious.  
  
"I couldn't…it was too much…" Harry's eyes crumpled as the two angels, feathers and sequence, patted and cooed as he curled into his arms on the bar.  
  
-  
  
Severus prowled the halls, Harry hadn't been in the gardens. He didn't care how much Arabella liked to remind him of his past, reminded him to think, reminded him to be sympathetic, he felt attached to the boy. It didn't mean he wasn't on the grounds, but Snape's mind was restless.  
  
It was a long time ago, not that he never felt it now, and it was impossible to forget. No, it wasn't that he couldn't, but that he didn't want to. Viridis stared at him with concern, her eyes wide and black and he gave her an absent pat on the head.  
  
"Severus…" it was Arabella and she called from up the stairs, long robe of green, "In the kitchen." Much as he didn't want to, his feet quickly carried him to the kitchen, his eyes wanting, hoping, perhaps his heart, to see Harry.  
  
But instead-  
  
"Artemisia."  
  
"Severus…" another Auror, too many in the bloody neighborhood, he thought, face eternally young, his own fault. Animagus by birth, Protector by too many circumstances, she nodded to him.  
  
"Yes?" He snapped at her and she shook her head. "Sorry, Potter's gone missing."  
  
"I know, that's why I came," she began to explain, "I felt it a while ago. I know where he is."  
  
"What?" She looked at him sympathetically, rubbing her hands together as if worried.  
  
"The link is still sometimes stronger than others, you know. Ruby, my younger sister? He's with her." Severus was confused and she remedied, "At her bar." Unconsciously he rubbed his temples and slumped. She was at his side in a moment and patted him on the shoulder. "Here, take this. We have one way portkey's to each other, alright? You'll have to apparate back here. Don't be too rough on the kid, Sev. He's only a boy…" There was a pang in his heart at her words and she offered out her hand, a large ring sitting on the pinky. He didn't even bid farewell, only pressed it, and appeared outside the Razor, rain at his heels.  
  
-  
  
"I don't have any, Harry, I'm sorry," Selene purred sadly, stroking Harry's cheek with a finger. "Look, you can get some soon, same time, two days from now. He'll give you some, alright? Don't worry, love, don't worry…" Ruby quickly looked at the door and walked over to him.  
  
"Listen, Harry, I think you'd better go…" There was a flash and Esmerelda and Selene both looked up as Harry rubbed at his face hard, drawing in a shaky breath. Before he could look up the door flew open as Ruby quickly turned back to the bar.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Harry, seeing him, said in a voice like death. Severus looked livid, nodding to both the queens, Selene growing slightly pale under her makeup as she looked away. Ruby lit a cigarette absently.  
  
"I wouldn't ask questions, Potter. You are under my care, and I will answer what I like," his voice soft and full of restrained anger. Harry quickly slid the book under his shirt, hopefully out of sight.  
  
"I was going to come back."  
  
"I don't care, you're coming back now, with me," Severus strode to the bar and pulled him up with a hand like a steel vice, "and from now on, you will not go anywhere otherwise." Harry didn't bother to squirm, he was ashamed and Severus quickly nodded to the people in the bar before apparating away.  
  
"Who was that?" Esmerelda asked, her eyes excited, full of lust for the man. Selene shivered, exhaling slowly as he swayed to the Supremes harmonizing.  
  
"A guardian demon."  
  
-  
  
Severus apparated the two of them into his bedroom.  
  
"Isn't it a little soon for a relationship?" Harry sneered bitterly. Snape turned to him, his green eyes angry, flashing with irritation. Although he felt annoyed at the boy, he softened slightly at the traces of red, the puffiness around them. Severus chose to ignore it.  
  
"What the hell did you think you were doing?" he snarled, pulling Harry by the shoulder into the room that adjoined to his own. The bed was smaller, the place dark and with a fluid motion of his hand to his wand, the wand to the candles, all of them burst into flame and the place was lit. Without meaning to be rough, Severus pushed the boy onto the bed as he prowled the small space.  
  
"You can't just leave anytime you wish. You've proven you can't handle yourself," Severus rebuked him bitterly. Harry's eyes flashed with anger.  
  
"Don't even say that, Snape. You have no idea what the fuck I've dealt with…you have no idea at all."  
  
"I've obviously had some, considering I took you in!" Their voices were growing, height, anger, passion all at once. Harry flew to his feet, with angry tears unconsciously springing to his eyes, giving them a fanatical sheen.  
  
"I never asked for it! You're not my goddamn parents, you're not anyone to me! How the hell do you get off trying to relate to me? Trying to rescue me?" He screamed, filled with anguish. Snape tried to gauge the boy, tried to see what he could say. This fury was getting nowhere. He couldn't be like this with so much fragility surrounding Harry. Arabella was right, he had to try harder.  
  
"Harry-," he ground out slowly, the boy still on his feet, body heaving as he breathed in heavily, tears teetering on the brink, "Harry, I'm sorry. I just have to do this, you need rescuing."  
  
"Shut up, shut up-," Harry began to say in broken words, squeezing his eyes shut, "I don't need anything, I don't need you, I don't need anyone, just go away, just go away," his body swayed, glimpses of crystalline traced down his pale cheeks. Harry helplessly fell onto the bed, tightly grabbing his abdomen as if protecting himself and Severus softened. The boy was torn apart, full of pain and slowly he began to approach.  
  
"Shh, Harry, shh…"  
  
"Go away, please, just go away, go away, go away…leave me be, go away…" he chanted, moaned in a higher, softer voice, trying to rise above the tears choking his throat. The older man slowly got around Harry on the bed, holding him in his arms, and Harry for his part, resisted.  
  
"Go away, stop, stop, stop!" he howled, trying to beat against Severus' strong body, "Just stop, just stop…I don't want it, I want to stop, I want to stop…" his voice broke into sobbing like a bubbling waterfall, like too much all at once and he wilted into the strong mans arms. Severus held, and held, and held him as he cried, filled with overwhelming sorrow.  
  
Finally, he gave into fitful sleep. 


	4. 4 : The Lost Boys

-  
  
Chapter Four: The Lost Boys  
  
A/N: Sorry if this chapter is terrible. I kind of ran out of steam but I'm writing the next one as we speak. As always, criticism and commentary are appreciated. Sorry for all the OC's, but when you get there, could you imagine a Hufflepuff in this sort of crowd? I don't think so. Enjoy-AO  
  
-  
  
Chapter Four  
  
"…inside that boy with its geography of scars, its history of hurt, limbs stuffed with feathers and rags, in what part of the eyes, in what part of the heart, in the cage of the chest where something throbs with both fists and knows only what he knows, inside that body too small to contain the hundred balloons of happiness, the single guitar of grief, is a boy like any other…"  
  
Sandra Cisneros, Salvador Late of Early  
  
-  
  
Snape was gone when Harry awoke, the pale strains of dawn inching across the large bed he slept in. He blearily remembered waking up during separate moments of the night, shaking, sobbing, strong arms holding him, murmuring quiet lullabies and soft validation in his ears. He didn't want to think about the night before, and reached down into where his bags had been placed against the bed. Viridis came trotting from Snape's room into his own, giving Harry a nuzzle at his arm while he reached into a pocket, feeling for bindis.  
  
"God…" he moaned. They had gone through his things and taken all evidence of self-harm out. Giving a shiver, he reached for the communicative journal that sat on a table at his beside. Snape must have pried it out of his hands as he slept. There was no evidence of tampering or breaking so he opened it, whispering the passwords.  
  
It was not unlike Tom Riddle's magical journal, except that it connected each of the Lost Boys to it, able to write messages in it and explain what was going on. Draco had the master book, all of his messages were sent out about meetings and places to go. A message in his signature deep green ink had appeared overnight, bold, in his distinctive, cultured script.  
  
'Meeting has been changed. Ignore any messages you may have gotten. Tonight, the house. Father is having his own meeting. By the way Potter, nice job you did there at Rube's.'  
  
Harry felt shame and bitterness bite at him at Draco's words that were scathing, even now, on the paper. He'd have to leave somehow tonight, the meetings were all late anyway. There would be some way he could get out.  
  
-  
  
Snape had left Harry's room early that morning before sunrise. It was a known fact, not only in the manor, but also with many members of the wizarding community, that Arabella Figg rose with the dawn. However old she may have been, she was still sharp as a whip.  
  
Of course, whenever Snape did want to talk to his aunt, he never could find her. This morning, she was out in the garden. Again.  
  
"Do you ever tire of those plants, my dear Aunt?" The sun was just barely in the sky as Arabella looked up at him from the earth.  
  
"You know very well the answer. I wouldn't be so chiding, Severus, I supply many of your stores from this garden," she called back. That was also true; many of the harder herbs and plant parts came from these very gardens, hard to grow, dangerous as well. How ironic, he often thought, how it mirrored her, hard and dangerous.  
  
"Did you stay with him all night then?" She asked, not even looking up as she trimmed some leaves from a particularly lethal looking harpie-wing plant and placed them in a vial.  
  
"Yes," he sniffed, "I wonder if it would have been better to give him another draught of living death." She looked up at him with flashing eyes.  
  
"Severus, you aren't thinking again. He's got to be waned off of it, he can't be taking those forever. Look what happened, it's obvious he had taken it more then once…" She forced a cork onto the vial and put it in the basket she had, moving onto the more common nightshade.  
  
"That's what worries me," he agreed quietly, watching as she carefully moved away the hearty soil from the pale roots of the plants and clipped a few. "It's a most complex potion to make-,"  
  
"I know that." He rolled his eyes and continued.  
  
"Harry's never shown real interest in the Potions before, and unless with the muggles he's gotten better, had the ingredients, stores, supplies hidden in that room of his, he didn't make it. He was getting it from someone," he rubbed his temples, wishing he could figure out more.  
  
"Who gave it to him?" she asked, not looking up from her work.  
  
"If I knew that, I wouldn't be so worried. I don't even carry all the ingredients at school, it would have to be someone with access to them. And someone who could handle it and who knew Harry and could supply it to him…"  
  
"You know better than I do," Arabella sighed, rubbing her hands on her apron, placing the bag of nightshade along with the other plants into the basket. "Any ideas?"  
  
"I have one," Snape said disgustedly, "It's obvious that Lucius has the supplies…although I don't think he'd be so kind to Harry…unless-," he broke off, gasping, pressing on his forearm. Arabella was at his side immediately, looking at him with concern and frustration written in the lines on her face.  
  
"Voldemort again?" She, like Dumbledore, didn't bother to call the dark lord anything but his name. Snape took in a shaky breath, rubbing at his arm as the pain seemed to subside.  
  
"What do you think?" he bit out. "It's going to be at the Manor, I think Lucius said something like Narcissa was leaving tonight for somewhere."  
  
"Why the hell does he care about a trophy wife getting in the way of those things?" Arabella snarled, but pressed the basket into Snape's arms. "For your private stores?" He nodded.  
  
"I'll be going tonight, Aunt. I'll go after I see Albus in Diagon. Make sure Harry doesn't leave…I don't want him getting anything." It was a feeble attempt. Arabella would do whatever she wanted. She only smiled at him as they made their way into the house.  
  
-  
  
They found Harry eating a bowl of fruit in the shiny, steely kitchen. He looked up, eyes still puffy and sitting above dark circles, and gave a nod to them. Arabella made her way to the sink, picking up the vase of roses to water them. There was not awkward, only heavy silence as Harry stared at him with seemingly sullen green eyes. Snape tried to look past them, seeing a slight glimmer of curiosity, of interest.  
  
Harry noticed the change of clothing from before. It was June and Snape was no longer at school. He was wearing casual, dark green khaki's, a snug black shirt fitting him nicely, hair tied back in a simple ponytail. No longer was he the slimy, malevolent Potion's teacher, now to Harry, he was something different.  
  
It unnerved him slightly.  
  
"In an hour or so I will be leaving for errands, I should be gone the most of the day, as well as tonight. I have a dinner meeting," he ignored Arabella's disapproving look, "You'll be alone with my dear aunt, Harry, she will be here, should you need anything. I'll be going to my study." He watched Harry's eyes turn downcast, and for a moment he felt a pang of worry, remorse for leaving the fragile child. However, Arabella nodded at him and he swept from the room.  
  
"Don't worry, Harry, you'll be able to help me. I'm going to be making food, I'm having guests this afternoon and for dinner."  
  
-  
  
Severus left, just as he had said, and Harry had read for a while before going downstairs.  
  
"Why in the world would Albus give him to your nephew, Bel?" This came from a cultured, deep voice in the kitchen.  
  
"Do you doubt him so much? They're good for each other." Arabella sounded indignant. Harry stopped before the entrance to the kitchen, and leaned against the wall, listening. Had her guests come early?  
  
"From what you've said, they don't seem to like each other very much…" the voice said knowingly.  
  
"They're very much alike, although they don't realize it. I think Severus knows it as well, but won't admit it. You know he was the same way as Harry just before…a little after too. I saw it coming a mile away. It took a lot to help him. He's going to have to do the same to Harry, and telling him would be the best thing he could do." There was silence as Harry swam in these words. What had happened to Snape? How could they be alike? There was no comparison…unless…  
  
Arabella came around the corner and saw him, breaking into his thoughts.  
  
"Oh Harry! Bored with reading?" She asked, masking all of what she said before.  
  
"Who were you talking to?" He asked in wonder, coming into the kitchen and sitting at the table. A small, gray cat sat watching him intently. The animal looked very familiar and Harry realized that he had been in the small house across from the Dursleys, when Arabella had been old Mrs. Figg.  
  
"Oh, well…" she faltered and then shook her head, "Forget it. It doesn't matter if I tell you anymore. This is Alexei Hermes Thibault Kant Zhivago. Zhivago, this is Harry Potter." The cat on the countertop raised a paw to him and Harry stood abruptly.  
  
"He's a cat?" he cried. The cat looked annoyed.  
  
"Do you have a problem with that?" the cat said, opening it's mouth as if only to meow. Arabella looked very amused.  
  
"Zhivago is an Auror as well. He helped me keep an eye on you. He was originally an Animagus, but instead of having his privileges revoked, he was forced to stay in this body. He chose to help the ministry."  
  
"Why?" Harry asked, taking the Russian Blue's paw in his hand gently.  
  
"Just a little mix-up, you see. I wasn't really doing anything wrong-," Zhivago offered smoothly.  
  
"He got caught for using magic with theft…using his Animagus powers," Arabella clucked her tongue and smiled nastily. Zhivago spat at her.  
  
"I see." Arabella was picking up a mixing bowl and placed it into Harry's pale hands.  
  
"Would you like to help?" It wasn't really a question as she walked off to take something out of the icebox and Harry looked into the cold bowl, a mixture of some sort of flour, salt, yeast. Zhivago watched, his eyes growing into split slits as she carefully poured half of a bottle of cold water into the bowl and handed him a spoon.  
  
"Stir this until it gets well moistened…" Harry looked quizzically to her, "It's rosewater. Makes my bread better than anyone this side of the Atlantic…" she smirked and sat across from him at the table, grinding a mixture of nuts and spices. Methodically, Harry began to stir the dough, the faint scents relaxing him.  
  
Outside, rain beat against the windows.  
  
-  
  
Harry escaped up to his shared room when Zhivago somehow knew, and then announced, that Severus would be home in a second. The bread was cooling in the comforting kitchen, steam fogging the windows as Arabella sipped at a shot of brandy. She had told Harry the more practical uses of potions, using them to release beneficial substances into cooking when heated or cooled (much like tea) or using them to enhance the flavor of food.  
  
Severus appeared in the foyer, hanging his cloak up and nodding to Alexei.  
  
"I thought you weren't coming back," Arabella intoned as Zhivago preened. Severus gave a sniff and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I just wanted to confirm everything with you… I saw Antoin at Nightshades. It's definitely happening…now, just keep an eye on Harry, alright?" He grumbled, quickly pulling a less billowing, less formidable looking robe on over his Muggle-looking clothes. Arabella smiled sweetly.  
  
"It's just going to be me, Zhiv over here, Roz and Artemisia…what could go wrong?" Severus only glared and pressed a finger to his forearm before disappearing.  
  
-  
  
The minutes ticked by as Harry tried to pass the time while waiting to make his escape attempt. First he bathed in the deep sunken tub, black marble of course, that he shared with Snape. He obviously knew he didn't have to, the mansion had to have more than three baths, but for some reason he felt he needed to. Scrubbing at his pale skin in lukewarm water, rubbing jasmine scented oil onto his wrists and washing out the grease in his hair before drying off, examining the contours of his bones jutting against his moon skin. It only took an hour and a half so he puttered around the room, limbs shaking or twitching from restlessness and withdrawal. Viridis came up a few times, however left after a chime was heard. Night fell and Harry decided to go downstairs.  
  
He checked the kitchen, the dining room, the cellar, the foyer and the sitting room, finally ending up in the small lounge where Arabella sat languidly on a leather couch, sipping at something. Two women were with her, one he recognized to be Madame Rosmerta of the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade. Arabella gave him a rare smile and the two women turned, Rosmerta the same as always, but the other woman looking as if she were 19 years old.  
  
"Harry, haven't seen you in a while. Severus will not be joining us for dinner tonight…" she frowned slightly, but gestured to the two women who were standing casually, watching him with deep eyes. "No matter. You have probably met Madame Rosmerta, and this is her sister, Artemisia Terrasaid. They are also Aurors," the two women smiled benignly at him and he found the other one, with the young face, studying him with concern. Her eyes were dark and fiery, slivers of shades of colors surrounding her small pupils, but that was the one thing that made her look older.  
  
"You're an Auror?" Harry found himself asking, "How old are you?" She shot a glance to Arabella who rolled her eyes.  
  
"Much older than this Harry…older than your parents, older than Sirius and Lupin. It's a long story…" she chose her words carefully, "How are you?" The other sister, Rosmerta, shot her a glare.  
  
"Fine…" Harry said, detached, "Um, Arabella, may I be excused for dinner tonight? I'm not really that hungry…I'd really just like to rest." Arabella seemed to be reading his thoughts as he said it in a soft voice, trying to sound vulnerable and Artemisia was staring deep into his eyes while Rosmerta looked sadly at him.  
  
"Of course, Harry…If your door is open, I'll make it a point to check on you. If not, sleep well," she dismissed him and he gave a deep nod.  
  
"Thank you. Nice meeting you Miss Rosmerta and Miss Artemisia."  
  
As quickly as possible, he scurried back up the stairs and into the room again. Routinely, efficiently, he changed into a tight, fishnet sleeved black shirt, loose, dark green cargos, and applied thick lines of kohl around his eyes, pulling them back to smudge with a finger. Putting everything else away, he closed the door to give him privacy and pulled the journal out, pressing the emerald again and with an anxious spirit, flashed away.  
  
-  
  
"How did he look, Si?"  
  
"Fuck, I don't want to answer that again. Leave him alone, the poor thing."  
  
"Come on then, you'll tell us, won't you Draco?"  
  
"I didn't see him, I just found out. I told him what would happen, maybe you should take that as a warning…"  
  
"But…but he did it anyway? Does anyone know where he is? I can't believe…"  
  
A laugh, low, snide, bitter.  
  
"Believe it, spoon sucker. Where is he?"  
  
"I told you, I don't know…but I think Si does…"  
  
"I don't know anything…"  
  
"Ooh, pobrecita…nina noche… I think you do…"  
  
"Shut up, Angel, leave it alone. He's supposed to be here, he'll tell you."  
  
"Spoon sucker is right, he's coming soon."  
  
A dark room, large and plush, but dark. Leather and velvet, warm seats and cold skin, a lounge, a sitting room, a haven. Eyes gleamed eerily in the dim light, smoke and incense wafted everywhere, boys lounged on the furniture as "Swan Lake" played in a crackle from a record player. There was a flash momentarily in the middle of the room and all eyes looked up to see Harry standing there, journal in hand. No one said anything, emerald eyes surveyed the room surrounded in thick circles until the record stop. They looked to the ground.  
  
"See, he came," a soft voice said in the silence, the clicking of metal on teeth momentarily stopped. Harry looked into the darkness, muted green light shadowing a gaunt and childish face.  
  
"'Lo, Neville," he murmured and Neville Longbottom nodded quickly, nervously. He had lost a lot of weight between fourth and fifth year, his face still boyish, body thicker than Harry but thinner than normal. A flash, light on metal, as the spoon disappeared again between his lips and another boy stood.  
  
"Come on, Draco, let's get something else on…fuck, Harry wants it, right? Needs to feel at home? Nino Bruja…" a purr, a soft and sultry voice as the boy slunk past him, a finger against his gaunt cheekbone.  
  
"Blaise," Harry bit out, watching as his hips swiveled slightly, androgynous, brown hair falling into his eyes, walking towards the record player. PJ Harvey filled the room and Blaised turned back around, eyes a melty brown that had drawn Harry in, before. They were filled with derision and hunger as they kept on Harry, and Blaise fell back onto a pile of pillows, murmuring Spanish nothings.  
  
Selene was perched on a stool, sipping at a steaming snifter of what looked to be Faery Wings, a mild potion that sent the user into a euphoric state and dropped them into dreamless sleep. Green eyes curious and concerned as Harry turned to see the last pair of eyes that were watching him. There were other Lost Boys in the room, a Slytherin, Montague with blue to almost purple hair and the lightest shade of green eyes, a Ravenclaw, Luna, thick black hair like night and violet changed eyes, others too, Adam, Aris and Billy who sat like three animals, three lovers in the corner, bodies intertwined, all pairs of blue eyes on him.  
  
"Where's Marcus?"  
  
"He's not allowed anymore," a voice filled with barely controlled pain or anger, slightly disdainful, cultured and chiding answered him as pale gray eyes, cold blue seas met his own and a lock of silvery, almost white blonde hair fell into them.  
  
"Am I?"  
  
"You didn't kill yourself…if you don't want to play by the rules, you know what the deal is," Draco said coldly back, "Although I don't know if you deserve anything anymore." Harry sauntered over to him, sitting on a leather lounger and cautiously ran his lips over Draco's neck. The other boy shivered and recoiled.  
  
"Is that why he can't come back? I thought you liked that sort of thing…"  
  
"And I know you do…he didn't play by the rules, which you got dangerously close to…" all eyes were on them as Harry traced his fingers over the barely visible bruises on Draco's neck and slowly peered down his slightly unbuttoned shirt, seeing a large bite mark.  
  
"I'm sorry, Draco…" Harry murmured as he sat on the floor, pulling a cigarrette from a pack on the pillow next to him. More clacking of metal on teeth was heard and Harry knew Neville was sucking again.  
  
"Don't be, I have Blaise now…" Blaises poisonous eyes darted from Harry to Draco.  
  
"Fuck you…" he spat.  
  
"Not yet…" Draco purred back as he sipped at something else.  
  
-  
  
"Do you know what, Severus? I heard Potter almost killed himself…how it would deny Master pleasure…"  
  
1 "Really Lucius…gossip is nothing…"  
  
Severus shivered as he stepped out of the large bathroom after splashing his face with cold water. He was at Lucius' Manor and was about to leave, but felt the need to compose himself. He would bid goodnight and go back home. His feet made no sound on the shiny marble as he passed by some of the bedrooms on the 2nd of the three floors of the house. On the way to the bath, he noticed one of the doors had a magical seal on it, meaning no one could come in.  
  
He was passing it again when he listened carefully and heard Draco's drawl, feeling heartache in the pit of his stomach. Draco never told him at school, or anywhere else, what happened at home, but Severus knew that the boy felt torment hear. He slowed as he passed by.  
  
"You won't believe it even if I told you…"  
  
Snape froze. The voice. Harry's.  
  
"I think I could." Draco's, quiet, distant.  
  
"I'm at Snape's…hell knows why…"  
  
"So you're screwing the teacher? More than you ever did for Malfoy over there…I'm sure he's exactly what you want…just the right amount of pain and- ," Severus felt the blood in his veins freeze and forced himself to continue walking.  
  
Harry had left the house again and was with Draco Malfoy as well as it sounded, others. He couldn't go into the room without providing a major threat to Harry and ignoring all etiquette, he pressed a finger to his forearm and apparated away.  
  
- 


	5. 5 : Honestly Okay

Chapter 5-Honestly Okay  
  
-  
  
Authors Note: I profoundly apologize for my severe (Severus!) lack of updates. There is no excuse and I hope my posting of multiple chapters will make-up. This is the shortest chapter, unfortunately, and I'm sorry I couldn't write more but there was nothing more to say in Chapter Five. Flames will be tolerated as I'm quite embarrassed about not posting but please, find it in your hearts to forgive me? Enjoy…  
  
Ani/AO  
  
-  
  
I just want to feel, safe in my own skin  
  
I just want to be  
  
Happy again.  
  
I just want to feel, deep in my own world.  
  
But I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself  
  
Anymore.  
  
On a different day,  
  
When I was safe in my own skin  
  
Then I wouldn't feel, lost and so frightened,  
  
But this is today  
  
And I'm lost in my own skin.  
  
And I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself,  
  
Anymore  
  
Dido, Honestly Okay  
  
-  
  
Memories of lips, dead butterflies on his skin, cold yet succulent and soft, the nip, damp diamonds, canine raindrops, sharp against his rivers of crimson and changeling blue. His aura, his subconscious, drank each memory, each shiver of a feeling as he replayed it over again, eyes rolled back, another planet, a better world. The body came first but the memories were neither in one place nor another, bridging the gap between surreal and utterly real.  
  
His eyelashes, Snow White, long and dark fluttered open, met the glistening, glinting black ebony staring out in the smallest of light, face somewhat stark in the dimness, eyes observing all of him and none of the hidden rapture he carried.  
  
"Where were you?"  
  
"I didn't think you'd be back so soon," the stream of experience had fled somewhere else in his mind as he mirrored them, trying to escape but the larger figure of Snape blocked him.  
  
"It doesn't matter. You weren't supposed to leave," This wasn't going to happen again. Although his eyes gleamed, effects from sensual and outside stimuli, he tried to dull them but the tingling fire inside him refused to die. Harry didn't answer him and instead turned and-  
  
Snape's eyes widened in surprise as Harry threw his head forward and began to kiss him, hard, on the mouth, his lips sucking and teasing, tongue barely slipping inside of the older man's mouth. Heat washed over Snape, he found himself kissing back and felt a tongue run over his own incisor, eyes slowly falling shut as the kiss continued. Harry's lips tugged, sucking and exploring and then-  
  
There was the acidic taste of blood, running over his tongue, blossoming from his lips and he flew back from the young man in surprise and anger, the sharp pain from the bite shocking him. A finger flew to his lip, blood, copper and gleaming in the darkness. He looked up in fury, Harry staring back with equally hot fire playing in his eyes, gleaming fanatically. The younger boy quickly ducked around him and into the bathroom, trying to shut the door, without success.  
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Snape breathed out, soft and full of repressed anger.  
  
"You seemed to like it…not my fault if you were caught off-guard. Always knew you were fucking gay…" he had returned to the other room and Snape was faster, catching Harry between himself and Harry's bed. Harry's breathing was fast and shallow and Snape caught his defiant look, ignoring the now growing erection.  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"Don't touch me…"  
  
"You seemed to instigate it Potter…" he drew his face closer to the boys, noses almost touching and Harry's eyes flickered.  
  
"Watch it, Snape…I never had you down for a pedophile…"  
  
It happened so quickly, neither of them could really realize what had happened. Harry flew back onto the bed with a gasp, Snape advanced to tower over him, his arm still extended.  
  
"Don't ever think you're the only one who wants to die…" Snape whispered as Harry lay prone, shaking on the bed, still breathing heavily. It seemed something had only clicked in the older mans head as he saw the thin body quaking in the dim light and he slumped, eyes widening.  
  
"Harry…God, Harry, I'm sorry…I shouldn't have, I never should have…God, I was just so worried…Harry…" Harry stared back at him, eyes dulled, head turned to one side. Snape slowly sat down on the edge of the bed, his hand out, elongated, elegant fingers stroking the boys back, feeling it relax, feeling Harry's breathing become more regular before laying on the side of him, giving him warmth and stroking him when the dreams came.  
  
-  
  
It was two hours before dawn, Harry was in the library after placing a silencing charm on Viridis. Grabbing his journal and a pen, he began to scribble on a torn out blank page.  
  
Snape, he began  
  
I'm sorry for my behavior last night, I'm sorry for yours. I thought you'd enjoy that, its pretty much one of the only things that gets my mind away. You obviously knew I was at the Malfoys…which leads me to believe you had a Death Eater meeting last night. Don't be too surprised, Draco told us ages ago Lucius was one, as well as a rapist, adulterer, abuser.  
  
I guess I should explain that…if you knew I was at Malfoy Manor, you knew there were others. We are the Lost Boys. Why I am telling you this, I don't know. However, I do know you won't tell Lucius, as it will be my and several other students death, and you couldn't have that, could you? The Lost Boys is composed of the dark boys at Hogwarts, a support and dealt group and how we deal with things is our own business. Draco, as you probably know, is severely depressed, Neville was raped and abused two years ago and is a spoon sucker, it doesn't help his parents are insane. Blaise Zabini is a masochist, also raped and I…well, I don't exactly know who I am. Marcus Flint was in with us before, to help Draco, but he's been exiled.  
  
None of this will matter when you get this, as I will be gone. To whether I'll return, anywhere for that matter, is up to me,  
  
Harry  
  
-  
  
It was odd, Snape reflected as he woke, that even at their confrontation last night, he did not tell Harry about his own depression, his own catharsis, his own suicidal tendencies. The space next to him was empty, no body of The Boy Who Lived, only a dying imprint in the silken, black sheets. Pulling a dressing gown around him, Severus slipped from the room, expecting the younger man to be downstairs, in the kitchen with Arabella, slowly eating breakfast.  
  
When he arrived downstairs, Arabella was in fact in the kitchen but there was no sign of Harry. She looked ashen, and very tired, as old as she truly was. In her hand was a piece of parchment and Snape's heart plummeted.  
  
"Where…." A statement left unfinished as Arabella slowly shook her head and handed it to him.  
  
"He's gone, Sev…"  
  
- 


	6. 6 : Indefinitely

Chapter Six : Indefinitely  
  
Authors Note: I do hope this makes up for the lack of posting, and the shortness of Chapter Five. Hope it's not too terrible, far-fetched, etc. Review, if possible and thanks, so much again, for sticking with NEARG, and its terrible writer…hope this chapter has stayed true to it and you, the readers, enjoy it.  
  
Love much,  
  
Ani/AO  
  
-  
  
Chapter Six  
  
Everyday in every way,  
  
I'm falling.  
  
Everything that everyone says turns me on.  
  
Shine a light on me, so that everyone may see,  
  
That I wanna stay here,  
  
Indefinitely.  
  
And I'm gonna stay here,  
  
So just let me be.  
  
Travis, Indefinitely  
  
-  
  
"Christ, Harry, are you gonna be as bad as Selene?"  
  
Esmerelda danced with herself, swaying with the angel-wing boa in a circle, the jukebox long not playing any music, dreaming to her own music.  
  
Another bottle of Sapporo slid to the fallen star at the bar, as the blue haired pixie, Ruby continued to coat bitten nails a cobalt blue, like her hair. They appeared to look like button candies, small and round on deft fingers. Next to Harry, across from Ruby, Selene mirrored the barmistress' action, too subdued to combine the blue with the dress, a long, flowing deep red, not as shocking as was the synthetic hair, but close enough to compliment each other. For the young, shiny and gauzy goddess of perfect long legs, eyelashes long enough to be cats-whiskers cast downward as the flickering Irish eyes carefully painted, it was too early for a drink, but for Harry it was not early enough.  
  
He ran a pale finger across the shining cap, moving the melting ice away, frosty from the dark bottle and used the opener to pry the cap off. Slowly he brought his lips to it, a poor substitute for the dark haired god of only hours before, sucking it as if only a child wishing for a drop of milk from a nipple. Harry gave a slight shiver, even before the liquid touched his tongue, as he too, wished for the succulent nipple of another. Cold liquid, dark, dry ice fire rushing past his throat, loosening his muscles more, making his body relax, bloating his stomach like a five course meal. There were still traces of kohl that had run in rivulets from tears and the pixies continued to paint nails until Selene spoke up again in the soothing, feminine voice.  
  
"So you kissed him then…what was it like?" Harry turned from his Japanese liquid and raised a tired eyebrow to Selene as Ruby continued the droning strokes of the nail-brush.  
  
"Do you really care?"  
  
"Is her hair blue?" Selene purred as she lifted a plastic nail to Ruby, trying to lighten the mood.  
  
"Yeah, I did…to put him off-guard but he kept it going. He's better than…he's the best, Selene…" Harry said in a voice that was much more subdued as the coursing brown liquid ran through his bloodstream, relaxing him further.  
  
"Mmm," she murmured, "I should hope so…the best…"  
  
"You fancy him? I don't think he goes for goddesses, Selene," Harry said muzzily.  
  
"I think, it'd be impossible not to…Harry, how long have you been up?" she asked gently as he slowly tipped back the neck of the bottle to his mouth and finished it, as Ruby looked up, a hair falling askew into her face.  
  
"Since the meeting…" he gave a yawn, childish, like a mewling animal and Selene and Ruby shared looks before nodding.  
  
"Star, go sleep in the apartment upstairs, here, sh, here…" Supporting him, Selene teetering on the heels, they led him up the stairs behind the bar and onto a waterbed in the second apartment above the Drag Bar, where he fell into deep slumber.  
  
They returned to find Esmerelda still swaying to her own invisible song.  
  
-  
  
Harry had been asleep an hour and Selene was impatiently waving her fingernails as Esmerelda sipped at a diminishing martini and Ruby returned from the back room, looking slightly pale.  
  
"I think Snape knows that Harry's here…he's coming…" Selene looked up, too many things playing at once in the deep green eyes.  
  
"How do you know…?" she questioned softly.  
  
"My sister told me…she's a Protector for both of them," Ruby said nervously. Esmerelda looked up with a smile on her ebony features, tossing the white-blonde hair behind her shoulders with narrowed eyes.  
  
"Let him come… we just won't tell him he's here," she growled out confidently.  
  
"I don't expect it to be that easy," Selene said in a worried voice, as she seemingly brought her head down and inspected her glimmering nails. The door opened and Snape, looking around cautiously, swept in, jeans, tight- shirt and Prince Valiant black knee-high's causing Selene's downcast eyes to bug.  
  
"Ruby Terrasaid," Snape greeted in a disdainful, soft tone, "Ravenclaw, prefect, keeper…" Ruby, looking extremely panicked, nervously nodded her head in greeting. Selene seemed to be trying to make herself invisible. Esmerelda however was licking her lips hungrily and slowly rubbed her fingers on a lone feather in her boa.  
  
"Now Ruby," she tried to seductively say however it came out so gritty, so growling it was rather strained, "You didn't tell me you knew this… biscuit of a man…" Snape quirked a brow and swept over to her, picking her hand up and brushing his lips against the masculine hand. Esmerelda sighed in rapture.  
  
"Now, however pleasing all of you ladies company is, where is Harry?" he said in a tone that betrayed his urgency. His eyes seemed to keep darting towards Selene who, looking small and flattened, examined her nails.  
  
"What makes you think he's here, darling?" Esmerelda ground out, "While our dear Razor is quite a remarkable and prestigious establishment, and our guests always the best, we don't always," she emphasized, "have everyone here…" Snape's black eyes narrowed and he exhaled slowly.  
  
"Look-," Ruby began nervously but Selene suddenly looked up, staring with courage at Snape.  
  
"Why do you want him?" she asked in a delicate, soft tone and he examined her.  
  
"Well because-,"  
  
"No," the Irish sprite cut him off, "really…you kept the touch going…" she elaborated and he seemed to truly ponder this. "You think he would have let you stay in the same bed with him? Let you touch him? Let you give him love? Look, we all may be lost boys, but Harry could be saved…"  
  
There was absolute silence in the room. The whole situation had taken an abrupt turn at the hands of Selene, trying to work on behalf of Harry, trying to do something.  
  
"Fuck, biscuit," Esmerelda said, sashaying to Snape, rolling her eyes as she exhaled a plume of smoke, "While I may not be a romantic like Selene, you obviously love him a little…who wouldn't?"  
  
"You're not making this very easy," Snape said in a very tired tone and the three women looked on him with sympathy, longing, heartache. "You aren't going to give him to me that easy, are you?"  
  
"You're not going to take him, are you?" Ruby countered.  
  
"What should I do?" Snape asked, willing to do anything for the boy. But, why? He wondered. Was it true what the drag queen in green said? If Harry could be saved, if the boy did love him, if he loved the boy? Something in him stirred and he slowly approached the bar, accompanying Esmerelda, sitting next to her.  
  
"Grovel," Esmerelda said matter-of-factly, "Grovel, grovel, grovel…" Ruby was watching this all with scrutiny seemed to be pondering the question.  
  
"Tell him the truth," Selene murmured, again staring down at the bar, as if ashamed, frightened. "Whatever it may be. Don't let him be lost, don't let some of you be lost with him…" Snape shook his head furiously, rubbing his forehead.  
  
"But…how?" he muttered in a bit of a snarl, pounding a fist on the bar. The three ladies cast glances to each other and then back at him.  
  
"We can't tell you that," Ruby sighed, pouring a bit of Starfire, a strong wizarding drink into a clear shot-glass and sliding it to the bar. Snape looked up and thumbed the small glass between forefinger and thumb before downing the whole thing without a blink. Giving a resolute nod, he stood from the bar with a bit of finality and looked to them as they waited to see what happened.  
  
"He's upstairs?" Ruby nodded mutely and Snape closed his eyes briefly before they slowly opened and his face turned to Selene who, after her bit of yearning input, still looked sadly down at the table.  
  
"And Ms. Finnigan," Snape said gently, "You're dress is beautiful." Selene looked up with glimmering eyes, thick lashes and sticky, glossy lips, red hair falling into her face as Snape slowly came down and bestowed a small kiss onto her cheek and she reveled in the moment before he gave her a rare smile and swept up behind the bar and up the stairs.  
  
-  
  
Everything was so dark and so comforting in Harry's sleep, too deep to dream, too deep to be woken by footsteps, setting him free from everything. It was as if the Sapporo contained draught of the living dead and he saw nothing in his sleep but empty, black space.  
  
Still, somewhere along the way his mind awoke but he did not open his eyes. Selene and Ruby had covered him with a Magical Quilt, deep blue and warm, filled with down and the most gentle cloth and he never wished to move until he realized a weight at the end of the bed that had not been there before. Letting his eyelids, lashes open to reveal the pools of green he cast his glance on Snape at the end of the bed.  
  
"I was wondering how long it would take you to find me," he murmured and Snape said nothing, only looking unusually subdued down at the quilt. Harry stayed in his slightly curled position on his side, staring at the wall of the bedroom.  
  
"I hope you didn't scare them too much," he spoke softly again and Snape still didn't respond. He let his eyes close again, let his sight drift into darkness. There was still too much silence and he began to fill it again.  
  
"What are you going to do?" There was still no sound but slowly, shockingly, he felt elongated, cool fingers intertwine around his, holding his hand in a gentle grasp and he let his eyes open again, raising his head and staring at Snape who looked at him with pure care in his black eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry, Harry, I'm so sorry…"  
  
Harry was left dumbstruck, not able to say anything, nothing sarcastic, nothing angry, nothing cynical and the two dark-haired males only stared at each other for moments.  
  
"I only want to help you, Harry, I want…" Harry's mouth felt dry, he felt anticipation grow in him, something stir in his very insides he had not felt in many, many days.  
  
"Stop," Harry whispered, holding Snape's hand so tight, not ever wanting the older man to let go, "Stop, I want to tell you want I want…"  
  
With a rush of something so strong, so yearning, so passionate he flew forward and clamped his mouth down on Snape's and he reciprocated as they kissed on the bed, hands still intertwined and Snape broke away at last. Harry looked up at him with watery eyes, threatening to make more streams of dripping black from the smudged kohl and Snape inhaled slowly.  
  
"Alright," he croaked, "Alright…but please come back, come back-," it seemed he wanted to say home, but Harry only gave the slightest of nods and Snape relaxed. "I don't want to lose you, Harry, I don't want you to be a real lost boy, I don't want you lost."  
  
Harry seemed to be thinking of something and looked down, before coming to what looked like a decision as he drew in a shaky breath.  
  
"Come tonight, come to a meeting, because I want you to understand, I want you to see, please? I want you to see, I need you to-," A finger was pressed to his lips, which grew to a hand cradling Harry's chin and cheek which Harry nuzzled into.  
  
"Yes, Harry, yes…"  
  
-  
  
It was dark before Harry and Snape came down, sitting up in the spare apartment above the Drag Bar. Ruby brought up a plate of sandwiches and beers, which Snape didn't chastise. They didn't talk much, and Snape let Harry sleep, sometimes laying beside, him, cradling him in his strong arms and able fingers. After night came, Ruby quickly stole up and told them Selene wanted them downstairs. Noises wafted up and they slowly entered the bar area again.  
  
Giant goddesses, larger than life in perfect legs, shimmering gowns and dresses floated everywhere, men on arms and lips on necks, smoke drifting in lazy waves along the air. PJ Harvey sang in her ethereal voice to swaying bodies and Ruby threw out beers, potions, drinks as Esmerelda served. Selene was in a booth at the corner and Ruby led them to it where Selene blushed at the sight of Snape.  
  
"Draco doesn't like it, but the rest don't care. They like more meetings," Selene said in a low tone to Harry. They were having the meeting at Razor as Snape was joining them and they couldn't all just show up at Malfoy Manor. "Ruby's letting us use the meeting room and I set up before hand…only Neville and Luna are in there now, if you want to come in. You better not announce him, Harry," she said softly and Harry shrugged, face scrubbed, wearing a fishnet shirt and leather pants, hair tousled and falling over his kohl eyes, Snape only in cloak and same clothes from the morning. With silent agreement the three stole away from the booth as Ruby nodded to them and exited to another room in the bar, Ivy melting everywhere, incense and smoke from the Lioness Love's plant rolled into cigarras joining it. There was the slow, repetitive sound of metal on teeth and Neville was moving the spoon around in his mouth, looking up and staring at the dark figure of Snape moving in the darkness.  
  
"'Lo, love," Selene said in a gentle voice and went to join him as two cat- like eyes stared out at Snape and Harry from an alcove where three candles flickered and Luna nodded to Harry, staring incredulously at Snape. Harry led him to a pile of pillows in the back corner where they sat and watched as Adam, Aris and Billy escaped into their own corner, Montague joined them, Blaise apparated in, eyes gleaming fanatically as he sniffed in, only the traces of sparkles at his nostrils and finally, Draco appeared, before lounging on a divan, bathed in candle light. His eyes cast the room and Blaise began to approach him before Draco finally let his eyes fall on Harry and Snape. Snape, who had his arm around Harry's back, felt the boy stiffen under the pale, piercing gaze.  
  
"So, you brought a guest Potter…getting a little risky, after what you did…" Draco drawled, no anger in his tone. Blaise looked irritated at having to wait and Harry said nothing.  
  
"Did he force you to bring him here? Or…did you invite him?" Draco smiled a smile that did not reach his eyes, cold and careless, "You found a replacement?"  
  
Snape thought he knew what Draco was talking about but still, Harry said nothing.  
  
"I'm not that upset, that you brought our dear Professor here," the clacking on spoons on teeth stopped as Neville stared, scared at Snape and he ignored him. Blaise swore in Spanish and shot daggers from his eyes at Snape. "As long as he knows he cannot breathe anything to a soul, which, I'm sure he does." Snape stayed silent and Harry gave a stoic nod, to which Draco shrugged and snapped his fingers.  
  
"What's going on?" Snape said in an inaudible tone to Harry.  
  
"It's Draco's help…his Neverland," Harry said in a strangely dreamy, tinged with sorrow voice as Draco gave up his spot on the divan and Blaise, smoking a bindi, took it, looking quite pleased. Slowly, methodically, Draco unbuttoned Blaise's shirt, running his lips over the muscular young man's body, his hands running through the thick, Spanish hair, down his neck, down the arms, ribs, abdomen, pelvic muscles and coming in to the peak point. Blaise threw his head back, gasping in ecstasy as Draco bit at him, licking at nipple and Snape turned away.  
  
The clacking of spoons began up again, Snape concentrated on in instead of the noises of pleasure coming from Blaise and found Neville who was holding hands with Selene. One hand still held the silver handle of a spoon, moving it around his mouth, eyes downcast.  
  
"What's he doing?" Snape again asked, a breath in Harry's ear as Harry began to explain, Snape studying the much changed body of Neville Longbottom, thinner, gaunter, much different.  
  
"Everyone knows that his parents are at Saint Mungos, completely insane. Neville has suffered from post traumatic stress disorder for years and it's only gotten worse," Harry said in such a blank tone, filled with such nothing that Snape found it unsettling. He also felt a wave of remorse at the boys story, about the Longbottoms, knowing that he, himself, while not directly, had been a part of it. He, a Death Eater, he who killed, tortured, and caused such pain in this boy, but still, Snape did not share it with Harry. Harry continued, oblivious to Snape's thoughts.  
  
"Neville's grandmother couldn't give a flying fuck about him and he's known it his entire life. She knows what happened to him, tried to stop him from spoon sucking after he swallowed one of his father's Auror pendants when he was about five. They had to have his stomach completely pumped because with it he swallowed a bunch of safety pins…the pendant was made from silver. He told us he used to hide the spoons under his pillows, just sucking on them all night, like a pacifier. Didn't do it much at school, he said, not until fourth year when the unforgivable curses were brought up and then…Summer after fourth year, his Uncle, one of the heads of the board over at St. Mungos raped him…he said he was used to it, said his Grandmother knew," now there was anger, frustration, disgust slightly apparent in Harry's voice as, completely shocked, Snape listened, "But it didn't matter. She beat him when he was younger anyway…now he does it more often. He came to Draco after swallowing a whole bunch of glass and Draco got it out of him, giving him some Pixie Nails and stuff to make him feel better…What else can we do? Nothing."  
  
Snape still listened in silence until a thought came to him.  
  
"So Draco supplies you with everything?"  
  
"Gets it from his father," Montague and Luna were tying iridescent scarves at their elbows before methodically shooting up a syringe of muggle Heroin into their veins and Snape had to close his eyes.  
  
"We can go," Harry offered gently and slowly, grasping Snape's hand. He nodded to Selene, Neville and Aris who had looked up for one moment in the midst of a kiss, before he pressed his hand to the journal that had been brought with him since the morning and disappeared back to his origin point.  
  
- 


End file.
